Grieving …

I am extremely fortunate to have both loved and been loved.

As I write this, I’m beginning a journey from love. It’s not the first time. In theory, having travelled this road once means I should find this journey easier. However, I doubt that will be the case. Although it may mean I move through the emotional cycle more quickly. In fact, I’m already through the Denial stage. 

But I jump ahead. Some who read this may now be asking what is this Denial of which I write?

Well, I liken the ending of what was once a deep and loving relationship to grief. In my mind losing the love of someone is as tangible a loss as the death of a loved one. The circumstances behind the loss of love may vary. However, the stages of emotion one experiences are the same whether there are third parties involved in the breakup or a once-close relationship ‘runs out of steam’. A once fierce and intense love fading to indifference or even alienation.

It’s accepted that grief has 5 stages and what follows is how I interpret these in terms of the ‘death’ of love;

One’s first reaction when another tells them they no longer feel love is to go into Denial. A natural tendency to say this can’t be right. This can’t be happening to me. I love you; you must love me.

At some point, Denial tends toward Anger and frustration. The ‘why me – it’s not fair’ stage. The afflicted individual spreads Blame around liberally, but usually, they accept none. Instead, they will lash out at their once-lover or the once-lover’s family and friends.

As Anger fades, one enters the Bargaining stage. Making pleas to a once-lover on what must change in order to reignite the spark of love. And there might indeed be a change in behaviour that reignites that spark. Although that’s not what usually happens. Some people never get past this stage and evolve their Anger to hatred of the individual that has fallen out of love with them. That hatred can last years. Many years. It can stay even if the individual believes they have moved to the next stage.

And that next stage is the decline into Depression. A deep sadness that can fall to a level at which the individual, sullen and withdrawn, says to themselves, “what’s the point?”;” I’m clearly an abject failure; “why go on without the one I love?” Some then use this as emotional blackmail in an attempt to win back their lost love. More dangerously an individual can take their despair to a point where they feel life is really not worth living. Tragically, taking their lack of self-worth to the extreme and to then end their life. 

Eventually, however, one hopes to move their emotions on and reach the final stage. Acceptance. They realise that things will be okay and that they do have self-worth. That should they wish to seek it, they can find love and affection again. That they can find a new way forward. Sometimes an individual can achieve this alone. Most times however it’s with the support and indeed love of family and friends.

Some can move through these five stages quickly. Some can get bogged down. For example, at the end of my second marriage, I got a bit stuck in Denial and then later fell into mild Depression.

This time around, who knows. As I wrote earlier, I’m past Denial and don’t think I will lapse into Anger. There is still much warmth between my wife and me. We have discussed the options of how we might move on. Although we both must let our emotions play out, for now, it feels like I won’t become entrenched. There could be a time when I may dip into Depression, but for the moment, I have no sense of that.

Early days though, and while I don’t intend to bleed all over future Reflections, no doubt I will share my feelings as things progress.

That’s the way it should be as I move forward. If nothing else, I’ve learnt you have to share as you move through the stages. As move forward I must.